How To Hold On To Your Dignity

The confirmation that we aren' t total failures at life. The feeling we get when we know we've made ourselves look good, humble, and maybe even a little cool. By definition, it is the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. This my friends, is called dignity. It makes us feel strong and powerful, like we've got this omnipresent glow of impermeable self-satisfaction. I guess that's why it hurts just that much more when it gets taken away. Now, I'm an expert at both getting dignity taken away from me and seeing it getting stripped off of others. So below I've compiled a list to help all of you dignity-enthusiasts sustain that respect and honor you truly deserve.

1. Never text and run on a treadmill-it will end in tears and the taunting of small children.

2. If you put your phone on mute there is a reason it is on mute, make sure the person on the other end really can't hear you.

3. Don't Facebook stalk your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend. Or if you must, be sure you're alone and you speak of it to nobody.

4. If you're a grown man, don't go around dressing, or talking like The Fonz.

5. Know when it's time for the curtain to fall, timing is everything.

6. Don't do the whole "Oops, I accidentally texted the wrong person even though it was actually the right person I just didn't want to appear needy" thing. We've all done it, so we can all see through it.

7. Eating spinach on a first date is sort of an "Enter at Your Own Risk" thing.

8. Making That's What She Said jokes while someone is giving a eulogy is usually frowned upon.

9. If you enjoy Waterslides make sure your bathing suit is securely fastened...thank me later.

10. If you're feeling sick to your stomach don't accept a ride home in your friend's dad's clean, and prized truck, trust me.

11. If you look like a latex glove you've had too much plastic surgery.

12. Never pluck your eyebrows using a magnetized mirror. You will look like Mr. Clean.
I know I did.

13. If you trip in public blame it on the current Lunar pattern and keep going.

14. Always get your belts replaced on your car. If you've ever had this problem, you know why.

15. If any dignity is lost, all you can do is just get by. I know I have. And always keep in mind these moments make for great stories later.