Saturday, November 10, 2012

My Conflict of Present and Future

The scariest thing in the world is occuring in my life. Something I have only read of, thought of, and dreamed about. My future is just around the corner...and I'm praying that I'm ready. Ever since I saw Elle Woods jet off to Harvard in the classic film Legally Blonde when I was 9, I knew that the collegiate life was for me. Maybe without the douchey ex-boyfriend and the designer Chihuahua. Or maybe with. Who knows?
I knew that once I graduated from secondary school,  I wanted to set off into the unkown and discover who exactly I'm supposed to be. But as application and scholarship deadlines are approaching, the omnipresent saying "be careful what you wish for" is coursing through my brain faster than Justin Bieber getting a record label (remind me, was he 4 or 5?). Most of  me is grateful for what is occurring. I'm finally becoming an adult, one who can get their own brand of shampoo, and say important things to little kids like "watch out for that ice cream truck" or "I put on mis-matched socks today" and they will look at me like I'm spouting the words of wisdom from Buddha himself. I will be able to make my own dinners and do my own laundry. I get to clean up my own bathroom and not have to worry about my parents paying for the gas in my car. (See why I'm scared?)
In all seriousness, what I'm looking for out of my college experience is the ability to find who I am, and be strong in my convictions. Long gone will be the days of high school uncertainty and adolescent insecurities.  I want to look back on my college days with nostalgia and the ability to laugh at myself. It was easy for me, when I was a freshman,to think that any college was right for me as long as I didn't have to be trapped within the walls of my high school. Now, I realize, picking a University is much like picking a new pet--you need to make sure it fits well with your lifestyle, that it's open and friendly, and that it doesn't smell bad. It's important to take it for a walk, get a feel for it on the leash, and make sure that it can match your stride. Make sure that it respects your boundaries, and that it's computer-matched roomate doesn't steal your Ramen. I've really been thinking about where I want to go, and the type of life that I wish to lead. I know that a University isn't the core deciding factor to a happy life, but I know that everything that I do in my young adult hood is setting the foundation for a fruitful future.
I'm also afraid of losing the people that I know. Somebody I love recently told me "there are plenty of beautiful people in the world" and while I agree with this statement, not every relationship I have is going to have an equal beauty as the individuals outside of the friendship. I believe that I have found some beautiful relationships, a couple in particular that I believe some adults have yet to find. But I'm afraid that when I leave for my new life that beauty will wear off and I will be left searching for meaning in my new relationships.
With that being said, I know that wherever I go I will meet people who fascinate me, challenge me and yes, even love me. I guess it's just fear of change that keeps me questioning my future. I know that whichever path I choose I will be prepared--equipped with an quirky sense of humor and the openness to a new life that will keep me from always just getting by, to really living.