Wild for Wilde Part 3

"Women always want a 6th Act “~Oscar Wilde

Most recently this quote has been haunting me, I read it a while back in The Picture of Dorian Gray and it has stuck with me ever since.  These past few days I have dreamt of, analyzed and over-analyzed this quote and it keeps telling me the same thing--Jess, sometimes things need to end. With recent events in my life, I've come to find this quick epigram alarmingly true. Here, Oscar means that women are always looking for more, even when the play has officially ended and the curtain falls, we women still want a continuation of something that has clearly reached its finish. Now I'm not only accusing women of this, I'll tell you Oscar, that I know plenty of men that don't know how to end anything, or allow anything to be ended. I've found that we has human beings easily grasp on to the "what ifs" in life rather than the "what ares" and I constantly find myself daydreaming of infinite possibilities rather than living in the present. There are so many things that I want to be true that just aren't, and there are many lies I conjure in my head that I wish I could make true. I've always had a thought in my head that if something is good and wonderful that it will last forever. But the truth is, when something is euphoric it usually has an expiration date. And as humans, who think that everything should last forever this is a hard concept for us to grasp. We are constantly bombarded with products that are supposed to prolong the skin's youth and hair luster. We live in a society where our number one goal is to make something last as long as possible. We are so concerned with the longevity of a situation that we forget to enjoy its present state of being. A fear of something being finite drives our society to work harder, live longer and preserve every bit of beauty that we can before it’s gone. It is important for us to know that every beautiful sunset will meet its dusk and every sunrise will transform into a dawn. I've been working harder at enjoying what I can while I have it and knowing that not everything good will last forever. It is much nicer to enjoy a chocolate cake while it's right in front of you, rather than freezing it hoping to keep it for eternity. Sometimes it's nice to know that something is there rather than enjoying it. I remember as a kid, I would sometimes leave toys in the box in the hopes that I wouldn't ruin them. But that isn't what a toy is for. I constantly have to remind myself that everything must be taken out of its box--even if you risk ruining it. Even if opening that box causes hard to mend cracks and holes, it is better to know that something was utilized rather than forgotten. Mountains weren't only meant to be revered but to be climbed, an ocean isn't meant to just be studied but to be surfed.

In the dire hope of preservation we end up causing more damage than harm to ourselves. We were meant to enjoy the 5th act and then move on to a 1st. And my final thought on this subject is not all good things will last for eternity. But if you know something is worth keeping, hold onto it with everything you have. Every once in a while the audience will demand an encore. 

Image: designzzz.com

My Conflict of Present and Future

The scariest thing in the world is occuring in my life. Something I have only read of, thought of, and dreamed about. My future is just around the corner...and I'm praying that I'm ready. Ever since I saw Elle Woods jet off to Harvard in the classic film Legally Blonde when I was 9, I knew that the collegiate life was for me. Maybe without the douchey ex-boyfriend and the designer Chihuahua. Or maybe with. Who knows?
I knew that once I graduated from secondary school,  I wanted to set off into the unkown and discover who exactly I'm supposed to be. But as application and scholarship deadlines are approaching, the omnipresent saying "be careful what you wish for" is coursing through my brain faster than Justin Bieber getting a record label (remind me, was he 4 or 5?). Most of  me is grateful for what is occurring. I'm finally becoming an adult, one who can get their own brand of shampoo, and say important things to little kids like "watch out for that ice cream truck" or "I put on mis-matched socks today" and they will look at me like I'm spouting the words of wisdom from Buddha himself. I will be able to make my own dinners and do my own laundry. I get to clean up my own bathroom and not have to worry about my parents paying for the gas in my car. (See why I'm scared?)

In all seriousness, what I'm looking for out of my college experience is the ability to find who I am, and be strong in my convictions. Long gone will be the days of high school uncertainty and adolescent insecurities.  I want to look back on my college days with nostalgia and the ability to laugh at myself. It was easy for me, when I was a freshman,to think that any college was right for me as long as I didn't have to be trapped within the walls of my high school. Now, I realize, picking a University is much like picking a new pet--you need to make sure it fits well with your lifestyle, that it's open and friendly, and that it doesn't smell bad. It's important to take it for a walk, get a feel for it on the leash, and make sure that it can match your stride. Make sure that it respects your boundaries, and that it's computer-matched roomate doesn't steal your Ramen. I've really been thinking about where I want to go, and the type of life that I wish to lead. I know that a University isn't the core deciding factor to a happy life, but I know that everything that I do in my young adult hood is setting the foundation for a fruitful future.

I'm also afraid of losing the people that I know. Somebody I love recently told me "there are plenty of beautiful people in the world" and while I agree with this statement, not every relationship I have is going to have an equal beauty as the individuals outside of the friendship. I believe that I have found some beautiful relationships, a couple in particular that I believe some adults have yet to find. But I'm afraid that when I leave for my new life that beauty will wear off and I will be left searching for meaning in my new relationships.
With that being said, I know that wherever I go I will meet people who fascinate me, challenge me and yes, even love me. I guess it's just fear of change that keeps me questioning my future. I know that whichever path I choose I will be prepared--equipped with an quirky sense of humor and the openness to a new life that will keep me from always just getting by, to really living.
Image:TopNews.in

Get Out of Jail Free?

Well hello there...we haven't spoken in a while. And to my stalker out there...I apologize. I hope I've been sorely missed. My leave of absence was one of a full summer and the beginning of my senior year. I have no excuse for my abandonment other then the fact that I was consumed by life. But what better way to consume life than to share it with all of you?
So...something incredible happened last night. Something heard only in myths and fairytales. A thing that is only spoken softly between the haunted walls of Victorian Castles and code messages between spies.  Something alluded to by metaphysical witch women but never actually occurs-- I got caught doing something redhanded by my parents...and I didn't get grounded. Now mind you my offense was one of naive teenager ideals and bad timing. So don't assume the worst in me. To be honest I've never actually been grounded before in my life. I'm a self proclaimed goody goody and proud of it! In fact, I'm thinking of starting a GG anonymous. One where the prudish and mundane can join togeher once a week and share in eachothers secret love for rules and toothpaste.  But what happened was enough to give my parents reason to ban me from my social world for a week and take away my car. What did they do? They laughed. My whole household is now making fun of me for something that should have royally pissed them off. I feel like I have been handed a Get Out of Free Jail card and I didn't even pass the Boardwalk. I did nothing to deserve the compassion and jovial nature of my parents. But I received it anyway. So this got me thinking, in life am I lucky that the punishment wasn't inflicted on me by an outside source? Or am I cursed to replaying the night over and over knowing that the ending wasn't just? Or at least balanced. For every offense does there always need to be a defense?
Now needless to say that what happened  wasn't anything to lock me up for and curse me to live a pre- Hogwarts Harry Potter type lifestyle. But I can't help but feel this isn't the end to the matter. I'm sure as I'm typing, this very second my family is upstairs planning an elaborate hoax. It will involve mousetraps and elaborate twists and turns. I'll wake up five years from now from an Inception-like dream but instead of having quirky actors such as Ellen Page as my sidekicks, I'll get a rude awakening from my brother pouring ice water over my face saying "This is just the beginning."
Okay maybe my punishment sounds more like a Stephen King novel rather than a teenage punishment but if you got off home free you'd be questioning your own sanity too. Should I accept this gracious gift or should I know in the back of my mind pay back is soon to come? Will this event come up at Christmas dinners at lulls in the conversation? To be honest, knowing my parents and my good reputation this isn't anything to be worried about. I've learned from it and I guess it's time to move on. We all know at the heart of my being is a love for tacky game shows and long periods of sleep. All I know is that even if  I was banned from my social world typing this to you from the secrecy of candle light I would still be myself. Just because I was caught in trouble doesn't make my wrong doings any less wrong or right. All we can do is just get by, and hope that while our actions may not always come with a premium Get Out of Jail free card, they'll always come with a lesson.
Image:1thought2many.wordpress.com

Library Observations

It is now the summer before my senior year and you'll be glad to hear that I've spent a significant amount of that time in the local Library. But don't worry, I've been spending that time doing really cool things such as checking out books about Monty Python and...well that's pretty much the only relatively
cool thing. But one of the best things about the library is the ability to people watch without them really noticing; I like to look at the people I see, and make a fake back story of their life. I like to think that I'm right most of the time, but really most of my stories end up more like Full House episodes then actual functioning humans' lives that spend their Thursday Noon (Do you just call it Noon or Afternoon if it's twelve?) at the library. So I decided to sit here and give you the stories of the people that I see in the hopes you find these characters as interesting as I do.
Sitting next to me currently, are two stereotypical gamers-they're playing the same computer game in which the hero is a knight and you need to travel through forests and dangerous lands in order to win the gallant approval of King Humphrey, ruler of all Endlasia, who's daughter is the most fair maiden in all the land... I really don't know, it's something Medieval-y. I like to think that the older one is the brother of the younger and that they've told their mother that they're out playing frisbee and and socializing with peers. But what their mom doesn't know is that their true happiness resides within the walls of a PC. Today will be the day one of them defeats the game and they will both celebrate with ice cream and a Midnight marathon of Battlestar Galactica. Is that what gamers do?
Across from me is a man with sunglasses on his forehead and glasses on his face. He has on a patriotic shirt that lets me know he's a true American. I believe this man was very quiet in high school but graduated at the top of his class. He's now married with one daughter and another on the way, but what the family really wants is that prodigal son. He needs to get away, so right now he's researching various French dessert recipes because at the end of the day all he wanted to be was a pastry chef...when he met his wife he realized it didn't make enough money. So now his true comforts reside on cyber comfort cuisine and the occasional episode of Iron Chef when the family is away. He dreams with a spatula under his pillow and an apron on his heart. There isn't a puff pastry he can't master, and a souffle? Bring it on.
At the cubicle across from me is a man most likely in his mid- forties, who is playing what seems to be some sort of game with a map. (You can tell I'm really up to speed in the internet world). He's now logging on to his Facebook page that consists of only a few friends--the older generation never allows people on that they don't know. He's currently going through a break-up in which him and his ex are fighting over custody of their beloved Terrier, Gordie.  He spends his nights watching Air Bud movies when the dog is away always seeking to be close to man's best friend.
For some reason there are two little boys dressed in flannels and cowboy hats standing with their mother. My theory is that their father is currenly going through a Western phase in which he wants his sons to grow up like Clint Eastwood. The wife goes along with it because when she was little she loved horses and she hopes one day that one of her boys will share that love and then own a ranch. But they will grow up to be computer research analysts and their parents wont be dissapointed because they will be making a lot of money
...And the man who just sat next to me is rapping to his loud music (playing from a walk-man) and is looking at some sort of a dating website where the women all take provacative pictures of themselves in the mirror. This story I'm not making up. I guarantee you would laugh if you were here with me now.
Well my time is almost up on my computer I hope you've enjoyed hearing about the not so mundane lives of the people who spend their Thursday at the library, but who are just getting by, just like everybody else.

A High School Criticism

Now there are very few times one can stumble upon something of true meaning and profound depth in the halls of high school. I'm talking two or three tops. But the other day I was lucky enough to read a quote so poetically sketched into a cement table top located in the courtyard, that I had to stop and pinch myself to make sure I didn't enter into a Shakespearean-esque fantasy. Now I would like to share this quote with all of you in the hope you too can enjoy the depth and intrinsic qualities that, although rare, can still be uncoverd in the mind of a seventeen year old high schooler. And the fact that this person (or persons) was so willing to give me (and the rest of the people sitting at the table) a  little piece of their fine analysis on life, I decided this needed to be shared with a larger audience.
It went a little something like this:
"I love pie and boobs."
Well said, lover of flavorful desserts and female anatomical parts, well said. It used to bother me that many high schoolers didn't share my enthusiasm for well thought out comedy. But I must admit I have been humbled and taken aback by the wit and intellect displayed above. It is evident that this person or group of people could have stopped at "I love pie" but the fact that they added "boobs" to their list of admirations really shows that they want to share a piece of themselves with their audience that reaches past the crust (heh heh) of their true character. Displaying a love for female breasts really shows this poet is an Attache to nude art, and the fact that they love pie shows they are a food connoisseur- seeking out only the most delectable of flavors in order to satisfy their well-trained palette.
What I also like about this saying is its simplicity. The writer of sed-quote could have in fact, elaborated on their favorite type of pie (Keylime? Boston Cream?) or their cup size of preference. But the fact that they left their observation to five words really shows the author wants the audience to interpret this profound meaning for themselves.
It got me thinking...do I really love pie? Or is my alliance to cake? Or tiramisu? And if it is, does it mean I'm not open minded enough to love both pie and cake equally? Maybe I'll have to give up one in order to avoid any future guilt of dessert bias.
And as for boobs. Do I really appreciate them enough? Should I be supplying them with more Victoria's Secret and less sports bras? What if someone is more of a leg person? Does that leave for an under appreciated pair of breasts?
I wish I knew the answers to these questions but I don't. All I know is that this quote has really got me thinking about where my ideals stand, and if most of my life decisions have really been worth it. I hope that this poet can continue their art of supplying me with profound depth and meaning in my life where I was too blind to see needed change. So thank you anonymous table-top Twain. You've given us all a lot of thinking to do. Whether or not humanity is ready to take a true stance on the controversy surrounding boobs and pie I can't be too sure.

Image:BGR.com

My Friends' Future

Do you want to know a secret?
I know some of the most amazing people on this planet. No really, I'm convinced that within my small town and in my even smaller group of friends, reside some of the most spectacular people you will ever meet. I'm not just saying this because I'm close with these people--I can spot an idiot from a mile away. The creativity, passions, senses of humor, and love that I have encountered actually made make not  so terrified that my generation, mired in Juggalos and Bros, will soon be running the country.
And I'm thoroughly convinced that some of the people were placed in my life in order for me to come to a self-actualization on how far behind I really can be. I'm talking about the people that, before the age of 18, have published two plays, traveled the world, received straight A's and still managed to find time to donate blood to orphaned  cats every Tuesday. The ones who have their own business cards and autobiography. You know who I'm talking about, those people you know you're going to end up being a gardener for.
Okay...maybe a cook. And as much as these people intimidate me, they also continue to empower me.
One of these people once said "I just want to be a successful and useful person, I owe it to everyone who has brought me here in my life."
And it's true, not to sound like a 99 cent greeting card, but not only do we owe it to ourselves to lead great lives, but to anyone who has ever invested an ounce of energy into our future.
So while I may not be the type to willingly give my blood to a pet in need (which was made apparent earlier this week when a tiny needle was pressed into my vein by a Ukranian nurse, and I almost fainted) I should still be pushing  myself to my full potential,  I owe it  more than to just myself. What scares me the most is the fact that I may try my best at something and it just wont be good enough.
This is why I think these certain people have been placed in my life. I see their passions, goals and accomplishments and admittedly it makes me want a piece of it for myself. I know future Wall Street lawyers, comedians, musicians, directors, engineers, and doctors. Some don't know it yet. But it makes me extremely excited when I see a person living the life they're meant to lead. So many are destined for success and I know they'll get it.
They make me realize I should be giving everything I have in order to get everything I want. If I someday want to write for a television series maybe I should be blogging more, in order to refine my writing skills and also to please my number one fan. (You know who you are, and while I appreciate the attention, the letters written in your own blood have become too many. I'm concerned there's only so much AB+a body can hold). I'm constantly inspired by the people I talk to, or the jokes I hear in passing period. It's the people we see everyday that allow us to see their talents, and turn our inspiration into passion. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm just getting by (clearly) until the next day comes. And others, I see someone who is really making an impact on the lives of themselves and others, and I'm excited to see what the next day will teach me.

Wild for Wilde Part 2: More Then Friends

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love but no friendship." ~Oscar Wilde

As I've ventured through numerous relationships with the opposite sex, I've come to find the above statement hauntingly true. It seems that in friendships between woman and man there' s going to be that burning chemistry that neither of you can ignore, or the exctiting loathing over a broken heart, and 9 times out 10 someone is going to want to more then the other.
But Oscar, I'm sorry to say that there are exceptions to this rule. I think it is possible for two people to be close without a firey attraction between the two of them. I've only had a few types of relationships like this with a guy, and let me tell you that they're pretty amazing. It's nice to get insight into the mysterious world of the opposite sex without worrying about how I look or if I accidentally let out a hideous snort instead of produce a cute, feminine giggle. Someone who you can be totally yourself with yet neither of you has the desire to date. The conversations I've had with these boys have been some of the most fun, funniest and dumbest of my life. They've ranged from Alien abductions to Kim Kardashian (bless all of those who were in earshot) but they also give me insight into the world of masculinity, without the lingering questions and heart break. These types of friendships, sadly, are exceedingly rare and usually work best if one of the people is an a committed relationship.
So I don't think the main question between man and woman is "Can we be more then friends?" it's "Can we be friends at all?"
I don't know about you, but I've come to find that with an innocent realtionship with the opposite gender can quickly turn into a flirty one.
But maybe this is how men and women were supposed to function--can we really help that we're just so attracted to eachother? Nah.
 This type of attraction really is what binds man and woman together. I'm fascinated with the idea that I can get on a bus, make eye contact with an attractive man, and get off deeply infatuated. (Nevermind he probably was using public transportation due to a DUI and license suspension. Attraction knows no bounds.)
Men and women could easily be buddies if we didn't fall in love with eachother so quickly. And in high school, hormones racing left and right, this kind of obsession isn't exactly a one of a kind commodity. So as much as I love my rare, genuine friendships with a man, I like the possibility of finding someone special just as much.
Well what if a true guy-girl friendship without lust is harder to find then Wilson the volleyball? I believe many of us find desire just that much more interesting. And we're all just getting by until the person we want the most sees us as more then just a pal.




Image: IMDb for the movie Just Friends

How To Hold On To Your Dignity

The confirmation that we aren' t total failures at life. The feeling we get when we know we've made ourselves look good, humble, and maybe even a little cool. By definition, it is the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. This my friends, is called dignity. It makes us feel strong and powerful, like we've got this omnipresent glow of impermeable self-satisfaction. I guess that's why it hurts just that much more when it gets taken away. Now, I'm an expert at both getting dignity taken away from me and seeing it getting stripped off of others. So below I've compiled a list to help all of you dignity-enthusiasts sustain that respect and honor you truly deserve.

1. Never text and run on a treadmill-it will end in tears and the taunting of small children.

2. If you put your phone on mute there is a reason it is on mute, make sure the person on the other end really can't hear you.

3. Don't Facebook stalk your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend. Or if you must, be sure you're alone and you speak of it to nobody.

4. If you're a grown man, don't go around dressing, or talking like The Fonz.

5. Know when it's time for the curtain to fall, timing is everything.

6. Don't do the whole "Oops, I accidentally texted the wrong person even though it was actually the right person I just didn't want to appear needy" thing. We've all done it, so we can all see through it.

7. Eating spinach on a first date is sort of an "Enter at Your Own Risk" thing.

8. Making That's What She Said jokes while someone is giving a eulogy is usually frowned upon.

9. If you enjoy Waterslides make sure your bathing suit is securely fastened...thank me later.

10. If you're feeling sick to your stomach don't accept a ride home in your friend's dad's clean, and prized truck, trust me.

11. If you look like a latex glove you've had too much plastic surgery.

12. Never pluck your eyebrows using a magnetized mirror. You will look like Mr. Clean.
I know I did.

13. If you trip in public blame it on the current Lunar pattern and keep going.

14. Always get your belts replaced on your car. If you've ever had this problem, you know why.

15. If any dignity is lost, all you can do is just get by. I know I have. And always keep in mind these moments make for great stories later.

The Art of Being a Housewife

Career.Women.Success.
No I'm not asking you to identify which one doesn't belong, I'm asking if these words really go together. I mean is a career outside of the fashion industry something expected of every woman? I'm not stating this because I'm not 100% a feminist. I'm stating this because the more I grow up, the more I've come to the sad realization that there isn't much expected from many women, as much as we like to believe there is.
Growing up, I was taught to believe there were two possible careers for me to pursue; a ballerina or a princess. Both of which at the age of five seemed like very attainable goals. And while I did have  some friends who enjoyed playing with toy racecars and squirt guns with all the other boys I had a word for them...tomboy and also, weird. Much to my surprise that as I grew up, I discovered that in order to be a ballet dancer I would have had to begun grueling training around the age of four and have spent a copius amount of energy and money I didn't have. Now my second option as a princess didn't seem to be panning out too well either; a handsome, rich bachelor didn't seem to be climbing up to my second story room anytime soon. (Although I still sleep with a rose clasped between my palms adorned in my finest wears...hey. you never know). It seemed those weirdo tomboys had the right idea all along.
And so I fear that all girls wishing to pirouette or leap in front of a crowd who never actually took dance lessons, become strippers and those who rely on a wealthy man to rescue them become house wives. Okay, yes there are tons of women out there who have broken the mold and have done amazing things with their lives. And I admire them for it. But what do we call these women? Career-women. If a man goes on to pursue and achieve a great life what do we call him? A man.
There seems to be a rarity in the breed of successful women in the corporate world. Why? Because society has been conditioning these women to become house wives and exotic dancers. I believe that growing up, girls and boys are conditioned differently. While a boy is brought up to idolize firefighters and police officers a girl is off playing house with her dolls hoping to marry one. Now let me clear something up, I don't have a problem with house wives or girls wanting to be mothers. Everyone has something they're meant to do.  But I do believe there is a problem when girls are raised to believe this is the only way to exist. If a girl were to be handed a toy gavel rather than a magic wand every once in a while, would there still be a major lack in gender neutrality? Are women really given the same ideals as a man? I've met one too many women who are relying on a man to "take care of them." I have to wonder, is it wrong for a woman to rely on herself? I just have this bad feeling that too much emphasis is being put on being saved, rather then investing in savings bonds.
Now I'm not doing this to go on a feminist rant. I realize that even in the past 60 years gender roles have evolved beautifully. So I'm not saying that we should have more women that are like men, but more women with balls. It wouldn't be such huge deal for a woman to have a career or be into sports if society had always been leading her in that direction. But I fear the endless supply of plastic kitchens and glitter tiaras are sending our young women the wrong message. If girls didn't expect so much out of a man providing for them maybe they could expect more out of themselves.  While being pretty is a big part of being a little girl, being pretty broke is the harsh reality of many single mom's who were hoping for a college-educated man to come in and sweep them off their feet.
So maybe if we focus a little less on raising baby dolls in the developing years we can raise a generation of women who know nothing of gender inequality. Women who get paid just as much as a man, and still look darn hot in their stillettos doing it.
So bottom line: continue giving little girls glitter ponies and a Barbie Dream House. Just let it be on the record that Barbie bought the house all on her own, without a single swipe of Ken's credit card.  

Image: Princess Peach from Nintendo's Mario/ Courtesy of Wikipedia.
       

A Word From the Not So Wise

There was a time in my life which wasn't so long ago that I was a very insecure person. I had trouble keeping friends, I struggled majorly with body image, and getting the attention of a senior boy was of the utmost importance. In other words I'm talking about my freshman year of high school. Now let me just tell you if you thought that you were awkward freshman year I guarantee I'll have a story to make you feel cooler then a coffee drinking artist with a pipe in his mouth.
So I'll paint a picture for you--I had recently that summer had seven...yes seven of my teeth removed and atop my remaining teeth I had freshly installed braces that looked more like poorly constructed railroad tracks at that point. My hair was cut short at my shoulders by a non-English speaking hairdresser who throught I had instructed them to cut off four inches rather than one (Not that I have anything against foreign hair dressers I mean I HAD been in a different country at the time...it just was something that wouldn't help my cause). And to top it all off I had a group of friends who didn't really want anything to do with me and a good friend of mine. And looking back, that may not have been entirely their fault.  So what I'm tying to say in a nutshell is freshman year was the greatest time of my life.
Nevermind that I had to take swim class, okay let me just say first of all, whoever came up with the idea of high school swim was somewhat of a sadist. Who makes gangly adolescents get in their bathing suits and swim across a pool (which is mostly a mix of saliva and various STD's) in front of all their friends? Not only that, but adorn them in caps and flippers to "make you swim faster" but really, I think it's so the swim coaches can take their passive aggressive feelings out on their fourteen year old pupils. I didn't look anything like Michael Phelps. I looked like a loser. And something that really didn't help my cause was I was in the beginner lane. Aka the row for those so physically uncoordinated that just the simple act of propelling oneself across water made one queasy and ready to give up on high school all together. My advice for swim class? Bring a duck floatie and some penicillin, it just may help you survive. Also, be a boy if you can help it and avoid having your hair turn into icicles as you walk back to class.
Now to make matters worse I was deeply and embarrassingly infatuated with a boy. The only kind of deep infatuation that comes with being fourteen and lonely. He was a senior I was a freshman. He was outgoing and hip, I was out of place and searching. Every girl within  a four mile radius of him was the enemy and I would try to convince myself that we were perfect for eachother. I was coincidentally reading the same books he liked, and I would proceed to coincidentally bring them up around him. I pretended to like things I didn't just to make myself appear more educated. I could learn to love the loathed if the loathed could lead me to what I loved...or thought I did anyway. Looking back, I wasn't cute, or charming...I was creepy. Yeah I said it, I was like one of those examples teachers would use as the bad guy in "Stranger Danger" lessons. The endless charade of Facebook stalking and personality changes made me become nothing short of pathetic. And as The Verve Pipe would argue I was merely a freshman but I was one in dire need of a reality check.
You're probably reading this either laughing or calling Social Services because you're deeply concerned, but all I can say is I think everyone goes through an identity crisis in high school. Maybe not one as drastic as mine, but I'm sure everyone has stopped more then once in their life and asked themselves if they really like who they are and if not, how should that change. So yeah, I was kind of an embarassment of a person back then, but the gap-mouthed out of shape me is still buried beneath me somewhere and she really knows what it's like to just get by. So my advice for incoming freshman?  Here it is--Nobody can prepare you for high school. No amount of watching Mean Girls can prepare you for the female drama you will face , not any amount of chocolate will keep you from tearing your heart out over a senior. But nothing can really prepare you for the overwhelming pride you will feel when you overcome it all.
And always remember, no matter what, your mom thinks you're cool...I know mine did.

My Mosaic

I don't know about you, but whenever I am in the middle of a good novel I can always find one character that I feel I clearly relate to. Right now it is the witty and observant Elizabeth Bennett, heroine of Pride and Prejudice. But it isn't always her, somedays I'm headstrong yet sensitive Bridget from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Others, I'm the sarcastic and misanthropic Holden Caulfield and more times then not I'm Oscar Wilde's very own obsessed and fragile Basil Hallward who finds art in the strangest of places. Now before you begin believing I'm a schizophrenic in desperate need of being committed, I think it's important for everyone to stop and understand that people are more then just a single toned facade. We really are mosaics-- a multitude of shattered pieces brought together to form a complete work of art. And when it comes to Mosaics, much like people, there is much more then meets the eye. If each piece were to be observed individually one would admire that some pieces are more significant then others, more jagged, more vibrant. While others are rounded and draw little attention to the eye. But when the observer steps back they notice that all the broken particles create something noteworthy and complete. In my opinion, these works of art are proof that it is necessary to be broken in order to become whole. Moments that are soul-shattering or world-moving typically tend to define a person not something that lets them be comfortable in the place they're constantly in.
I like to think that people can be walking contradictions, whether it be a charming pessimist or a teacher who actually has a sense of fashion- a human can't be defined simply with one, definitive statement. I've had the pleasure of meeting some Hermoine Grangers combined with a Dorian Gray or some simultaneous Everdeen-Gatsbys. These are humans who resemble fragments of an author's imagination who would argue in the real world yet somehow reside harmoniously in a functioning human being. I doubt that everyone pulls their personal inspiration from fictional characters as much as I do but I will admit, sometimes these characters are as much apart of me as anything physically present. This very moment I can feel the aura of Miss Bennett urging me to be sly yet likeable. Although so many times I feel Holden criticizing me for being a "phony" or Bridget, who pushes me and makes me braver then ever. These characters lived within me even before I read about them but the fact that they existed on paper sculpted and refined my similarities in them, or rather their similarities in myself. Somehow these conflicting characters have the ability to inhabit my body without totally conquering one another.
I believe that everyone has a striking resemblance to literary humans but what's special about us is we can challenge those people in  ways their creator couldn't. We can take their ideaologies and charactersitics and apply them to the real world. They make us realize that it' s okay to be something different for a while, our general character will bring us back to the center of whio we truly wish to be. So now I'm just getting by while my mosaic comes together one slow, and very real piece at a time.

Image: goodreads

What Women Want

I can still remember my first crush, his name was Lawrence and we were five. I remember that whenever someone brought donuts to class he wanted the one without sprinkles (how hipster and new age was he?) He had blond, spiky hair and he didn't know I was alive, a fact that made me want him more. I tried to woo him with my knowledge of Britney Spears, I picked flowers for him in the play area, and I literally would chase him around the playground even when he politely asked me to stop. Why he didn't like me, to this day, remains a mystery.
I like to think that I've changed a lot since my flower picking days but when it comes to the root of it all I haven't- I still lust over those who don't know of my existence and I can still attempt to impress a boy with my unorthodox knowledge of popculture. Maybe  I tend to pursue men in the same fashion because my basic wants haven't really changed. I always seem to be attracted to the one's I can't have (hey who isn't?) but it's more than that. I like the quirky ones who can make me laugh. I've had plenty of people approach me to say "Jess, you have the weirdest taste in guys." Touche, but this got me wondering why my preference for men is so unique. Sure I go for the funnier, off-beat guys, but I think at the end of the day most women have the same non-negociable qualities when it comes to a man. Strange or not. So I came up with five that I believe everyone in posession of a single X chromosome can agree on. Whether you like the artsy guys, jocks, preps, thespians, guidos, or skaters we all look for similar qualities when looking for a mate.

1. Confidence- I can't stress the importance of this quality enough. Women like to know that you can make decisions on your own without constantly second-guessing yourself. They like to feel secure in the fact that you're confident that you love them. Dudes with high self esteem laugh more, stand up straighter, and aren't afraid to act goofy in public. They like themselves, and don't need a myriad of self-help casettes to tell them that they're worth while. Whenever you see a man with no self confidence it's quite evident that he's getting little to no action. The sexiest type of man can look you straight in the eye, and tell you who he is without a hint of apology in his tone.

2. Sense of Humor- Now this kind of goes along with confidence. A guy needs to be assured enough in themselves to know there's a chance that nobody will laugh at their joke. I love a good That's What She Said line as much as the next guy, so even if your humor is a little more on the PG-13 side its easy to make a girl laugh. Once, I was hanging out with a guy friend at his house, we were listening to crude, funny songs on the computer and it got to the point he and I had tears in our eyes, we were doing that sort of silent laughter that is the best and most painful. Then we just looked into eachothers eyes and laughed together. Comedy, I swear, is one of the best human connections to have.

3. Kindness- So I know it's cliche and it doesn't sound very masculine, but a kind, and thoughtful boy is the best. I'm not talking about a doormat who let's people walk all over him because he's too much of a pushover to say anything. I'm talking about the one who is rare to find, a guy who doesn't have his head shoved up so far where the sun don't shine, and he actually feels empathy towards others. One that thinks about the words he says before they come out of his mouth. These are the guys that were raised right. There's proof that even the smallest of gestures can make the largest of impacts. A while back, I loaned out a favorite CD to this guy I knew. This was a country-pop crossover and the cover had a large crack in it. He wasn't afraid to admit to me that he didn't really like the music (back to the whole confidence thing) but when he returned the album the case no longer had a crack in it. He had replaced the case for me simply because he knew I loved the CD so much. Was it romantic enough to be adopted into the next Ashton Kutcher flick? No. Was it incredibly sweet? Yes.

4. Innovative- This is someone who cares about more then his World of Warcraft score or his new haircut. A person who goes out into the world and seeks answers. I don't mean the pretentious guy who walks around in his granola sandals with a huge  superiority complex because he shops at healthfood stores and has a rescued vegetarian Anaconda named Ralph. Someone who is just well informed and can have political debates--I once dated a guy who didn't know President Obama's first name was Barack. (Yeah...Stop judging me!) I just think its wonderful if someone is strong in their beliefs and has an education to back up those ideals. Simply someone who realizes there is more to life then their group of friends and does something about it.

5. A Beautiful Soul- Now there are old souls, new souls, good ones, bad ones. But it's very rare that a beautiful one is uncovered. I think a beautiful soul is a combination of the qualities listed above. I'm not exactly sure myself what I mean when I say beautiful soul. I think this all just comes down to chemistry, if two people really somehow get along together, it doesn't take much to see the beauty in eachothers' lives. If two people are polar opposites but have the ability to point out extraordinary qualities in eachother it is evident  they see the beauty within eachother. Maybe this isn't what a beautiful soul is at all, all I know is I would rather spend time with an amazing personality then someone who is really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking. Although looking back, I guess Derek Zoolander was pretty philanthropic with his school for children and all.

Now I do believe every woman would like to find these qualities in a man. And ladies, I'm sure men are looking for these qualities in us, too. Amazing qualities aren't always easy to find; Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it, as Confucious would say. Now I'm just getting by until I see these qualities in a person and they see them right back in me. And hopefully it wont take a handfull of wilted dandilions and a rendition of Oops I Did it Again for them to realize it.

My dear John Krasinski, whom I like to believe is a beautiful soul. And a person many women want.
Image: Collider.com

My Heart WILL Go On

If today cancer was cured, world hunger eradicated, and a remedy to completely erase PMS was discovered, these events would not nearly equal my excitement for the re-release of Titanic in 3D.  I think it's an understatement to say that I've been waiting for this moment since I was 12. That's when I was first introduced to the 11 Academy nominated film, and I've never looked back. Needless to say the moment the soulful music began, and the Keldish plunged deep into the depths that were the remains of Titanic, I was hooked. The moment when the movie entered 1912 with beautiful cinematography and high budget costumes adorned by high budget actors, I was obsessed. The moment Leonardo DiCaprio's face appeared on screen, cards in hand, cigarette in mouth, I was completely fixated to the point my mom should have promptly enrolled me in a 12-step program. After watching the movie three times (let it be on the record this is a 3 hour film) I began doing obsessive research--I was very much like the movie character Rainman except with a much lower IQ and my research was based off of completely fictional characters voyaging on a (spoiler alert!) doomed ship. I even began to do research on how I could get my own Heart of the Ocean necklace, so I could find a homeless artist to draw me wearing that.. only that. Yeah I'm joking about the artist part, but I would be lying if I told you I didn't spend hours on eBay conjuring how I could get my very own necklace/signed movie script/ anything that remotely had to do with the film. I even considered getting a costume made just like the character Rose had in the movie. These outfits cost around $600- the same cost as my car. (This may come as a shock to any of you who have seen my car, because it's obviously worth around $625 but as they say one man's trash is another man's treasure)
After about the 6th or 7th viewing I went to the Titanic exhibit at the Denver Museum. I was given my own ticket to travel on the RMS Titanic and the halls were decorated just like the 19th century ship. There were even live actors in full costume traveling amongst the exhibit in order to liven the experience. Now this was  the equivalent of giving an alcoholic a bottle of Tequila and some shot glasses. My Titanic addiction was rising like her helm that fateful night, April 14th 1912 whilst plunging into the depths of the North Atlantic. (Yeah...that previous sentence gives you a glimpse of my middle school self, only it wasn't funny).
Somewhere around the 9th time watching, I began converting people into my obsession-- old friends, new friends, boyfriends-- If they had never seen the film that was an ice breaker (its funny because Titanic hit an iceberg) -"Hey wanna come over and watch Titanic?" Was my catch phrase. I bragged about my 3-disc boxed collectors edition, how could anyone resist? I would sit there and watch their reactions, impressing them with my knowledge of the movie dialogue. I'm pretty sure, looking back, they weren't laughing because they were impressed...they were laughing because they were concerned about the poor girl who could point out all of the movie mistakes before they occured. She knew all the music queues, but obviously didn't know any social ones.
My most recent Titanic viewing was about two months ago with a friend who cried pretty well at the end.  I will admit to you this was probably my 15th viewing. If you've done the math that's almost two days of my youth spent watching a handsome artist pursue a ritsy, confused woman.
Now, the movie has sort of lost its magic on me, I can see the special effects and past Jacks' charming speeches. Nothing is a surprise to me anymore but this will always be a movie that sort of defines me. Currently, I await the time I see this movie in all its 3D glory--because then I'll be that much closer to my first love, Jack Dawson. So right now I'm just getting by, until the moment I can sit down in that theater chair, put on my 3D glasses and confirm that I've spent an even 48 hours enjoying the beauty that is Titanic.

In case you didn't know, this is what The Heart of the Ocean looks like...don't know where I thought I was going with one of these on.

(Image courtesy of Rakuten Global Market)

The Bachelor Effect

So, I have a guilty pleasure. A very guilty pleasure. I enjoy watching The Bachelor. Okay, scratch that, watching The Bachelor is somewhat sociably  acceptable. I enjoy watching only the last five minutes of the hit reality show. The part where the handsome singleton sends a couple of not-so- worthy women home in the limo of despair. I can't help but find the interviews that occur in that limo unequivocally hilarious. I mean, first these pretty women start off all calm and state something politically acceptable such as "Coming on to this show I realized this was a distinct possibility." Then once the shock they are no longer a cast member on the hit ABC show finally sinks in, the woman promptly transforms into a blubbering bimbo insistent on bringing herself and her family to a lifetime of shame. They then commence to yell nonsense at the screen that include a slur of phrases such as "Never love again" and "Why me?" that probably sends the cameraman scrambling for local tranquilizers strong enough to slay a camel.
If you're reading this you're probably convinced that I'm some sick sadist who just enjoys the despair of physically attractive women. On the contrary, I do feel for these girls. (And who can't help but somewhat like The Bachelor?) They're beautiful intelligent beings completely worthy of love. The way they react however, to a man rejecting them whilst dating a myriad of other women I do find pretty humorous. I find it's like being shocked when you find out that the cast of Jersey Shore isn't naturally that Orange Glow tan...come on.
And while these women shed some comedy on to my Monday night I can't help but feel the image of the  sobbing, attractive woman in the stretch limo is all too common in high school. This is something I like to call The Bachelor Effect. A ratio of 1 attractive guy to about 30 girls. Am I not right? So then the battle commences-- There's the strain for the guy's attention, the grueling fight for his love, because after all you deserve it, right? He looks at you in a special way that can't compete with the other 29. And yet there's still the need to prove that you're good enough for him. And just when you think you think your relationship has passed all the tests...you see him give that special look to another unworthy subject. And next thing you know your tear-streaked face is staring out the back of a limo wondering what the hell happened. Let's face it; we've all been that girl (or guy) bringing ourselves and our families to eternal shame over some relationship or another. Most of us, however, have had the privilege of not having it Nationally broadcast-so evildoers such myself can up their Serotonin level while regarding the television screen.
Unfortunately, life can be an extended edition of The Bachelor with perfectly strong, and respectable women transforming into needy beings simply because they convince themselves they can be the last one standing in the end.
And the one lucky fella? He takes his pick of any of his swooning ladies, simply because he can.

Wild for Wilde

Now any of you who have met me have heard me mention my admirations fo the wise and witty Oscar Wilde. Everything he has ever written (The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Happy Prince, to name a few) has made perfect sense to me and have never failed to make me laugh, or wish I had written those sentiments myself. He has the power to keep me captivated by his words for hours--a difficult feat for a person with the attention span of a goldfish. Now if you haven't heard of him, or have never picked up a piece of his work Do. It. Now. Get the Picture of Dorian Gray and let this 19th century writer's words leap off of the page. You wont regret it.
Now a certain quote of his has really been lingering in my mind for the past few days and it goes like this: "Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success."
I find this saying not only incredibly difficult to admit, but incredibly true. Whenever a friend is having a bad day I have the ability to feel like a superhero. Telling them jokes to make them laugh, assuring them that everything is going to be okay. I can bake them cookies, call them on the telephone, and send them reassuring Hallmark e-cards. Now this maks me a good friend right? But what about when a friend has a really successful day? Does that fact that I'm not leaping for joy because that got the lead in the school musical AND aced their math exam make me a terrible person? I think yes and no. Now I love my friends. I would do anything for them. But there always seems to be something within  me that begins to stir when I hear of one of their successes that I could never dream of. I say I'm happy for them, and I guess deep down I am. But over shadowing this facade is the fact that I am unforgivably jealous. There I said it. I get jealous of my friends. It isn't something I'm proud of but it's something everyone feels. We all just feel too terrible to say it aloud.  Now I'm not saying that I'm some crazed ego-maniac obsessed with always one-upping my friends. I'm just trying to put out there that with every relationship the ugly little green monster will always come out whether you like it or not.
This isn't something any of us are proud of, but something we really need to deal with. My new and delayed New Year's resolution is to be genuinely happy for my friends. Whether it be their new designer jeans, or academic award. I have found that many moments in my life have been tainted by the crude and heartless ways of jealousy. I really think this should be a goal for everyone. To not only be the good friend when someone is going through a rough time. But to bask in the sunlight that radiated off of their ego when they get a hot date friday night. While we on the other hand...okay let's not drag Ben and Jerry into this again.
It's human nature to be a little jealous so maybe it's time for all of us to work on our super human powers. A power that allows us to blissfully sympathize with a friend's successes.
After all, each one of us is just trying to get by ,and maybe that requires us to feel some contentment. Even if the moment isn't at all about ourselves.

This is our dear Oscar. Courtesy of thefamouspeople.com

Valentine's Day

Hey I'm Jess, this is my first post so be kind!
I decided that one of the most important days to 'just get by' in is in fact, Valentine's Day. Now I don't want this to be a rant on how much I despise the holiday let it be the over sized stuffed animals, the generic heart shaped boxes and the couples sprawling their PDA out for the world to see...okay I'm ranting. But you get the point-- when it comes to Cupid's holiday I am not a fan. And I'm sure a lot of you out there aren't either. It's pretty cliche to say that this is a day full of commercialism created by greeting card and chocolate company's to make singles realize just how single they really are.
Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with chocolate or flowers, in fact those are some of my favorite things. I'm just stating as a single person a holiday dedicated to romance isn't exactly my cup of tea. In my opinion there should be a Singletons day, one where women and men around the world can celebrate being single with no shame or bitterness. This holiday could be complete with wearing 'I hold my own hand' t-shirts and "Romantic dinner for One" specials in local restauraunts. And I do realize there could be no such holiday sans shame or bitterness but wouldn't it be nice if more positivity was shined on being single rather then in a relationship? What Valentine's Day doesn't emphasize is sometimes it's nice to be free, and that one does not need a card with a heart shaped-cookie on it to realize that they're happy.
Now my sincerest wishes to all you romantic couples out there celebrating the day of love. But while you're out snuggling up to an open fire and reading candy heart messages aloud to eachother I'll be in my room watching very un- romantic action flicks and spending quality time with my friends Ben and Jerry. I promise you I'm not bitter about this day, I'm just trying to get by.
Best of luck and love to everyone (single or not) on Valentines!